▶ "What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate."; "Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words."; "Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something."; "Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has."; "When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him."; …"To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while."; "Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go."; "Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can't suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb."; "There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it."; "There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together."; "There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply."; "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."; "There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing."; "There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins."; "There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won t."; "There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying."; "There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them."; "There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory."; "The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease."; "The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so."; "The thinner the ice, the more anxious is everyone to see whether it will bear."; "The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it."; "The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm."; "The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way."; "The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust."; "The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout."; "Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit."; "Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."; "Remember the poor, it costs nothing."; "Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does."; "One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness."; "One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs."; "One of rarest things that a man ever does is to do the best he can."; "Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal."; "No one can disgrace us but ourselves."; "Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected."; "Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors."; "Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."; "Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got."; "Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it."; "Man was created a little lower than the angels and has bin getting a little lower ever since."; "Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope."; "Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do."; "Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined."; "Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well."; "Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe."; "Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place."; "Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves."; "It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient."; "It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash."; "It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those that we intend to commit."; "It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so."; "It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too."; "It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money."; "If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time."; "If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety."; "If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself."; "I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry."; "I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money."; "I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else."; "I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time."; "Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread."; "Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense."; "Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it."; "You know what burns me? Matches."; "They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults."; "People read me but they don't subscribe."; "My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."; "My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings."; "My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality."; "My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."; "My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless."; "It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes."; "I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness."; "I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it."; "I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger."; "I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?"; "I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time."; "I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling."; "I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough."; "I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world."; "I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights."; "I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me."; "Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?"; "You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart."; "What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?"; "We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion."; "Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great."; "Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners."; "The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference."; "The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand."; "The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion."; "The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi."; "The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed."; "Television is the triumph of machine over people."; "Television is a medium because anything well done is rare."; "Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything."; "Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."; "Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you."; "It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals."; "Imitation is the sincerest form of television."; "I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy."; "I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin."; "I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap."; "I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars."; "I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is."; "You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."; "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."; "Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something."; "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."; "When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."; "Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"; "Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."; "The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."; "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."; "Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."; "Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."; "Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."; "People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."; "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."; "My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."; "My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."; "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."; "In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."; "I'm a great lover, I'll bet."; "I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."; "The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down."; "That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you."; "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."; "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."; "I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest."; "A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer."; "You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough."; "You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough."; "We can afford almost any mistake once."; "They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses."; "The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love."; "Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum."; "It pays to get drunk with the best people."; "If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor."; "I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster."; "I drink to forget I drink."; "I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."; "I always wake up at the crack of ice."; "Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people."; "A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on."; "The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time."; "Everybody wants to eat at the government's table, but nobody wants to do the dishes."; "Children are far more interesting to work with than grownups. They're incredibly honest. They'll tell you exactly what they think."; "I like doing films and I wish that I could do more but I still have to audition. I don't get offered starring roles in movies even though I've written and starred in a movie."; "Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped."; "I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"; "I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?"; "I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside."; "Ah, the pleasure, the joy - a big news story that runs and runs, that is played down by some of our journalistic colleagues, saying 'it'll never happen', only to be confirmed by the Home Secretary."; "He thinks he can use the jail for networking to be somebody. In that way, he's always operating."; "I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content."; "I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."; "I don't weigh a pound over one hundred and eighty and, what's more, I never did."; "Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done."; "Another term for balloon is bad breath holder."; "Voice is my instrument."; "And I used to listen to a lot of jazz."; "I am not, I repeat, NOT a lesbian - even though I'd like to be one when I grow up."; "And it was a huge emotional thing to leave the law and become unemployed - to be a student again."; "A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children."; "Every little kid has always wanted to be a race car driver. This gets some of that out."; "I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds."; "Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick."; "I don't know if I want to be a big star though."; "When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top."; "Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!"; "I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes."; "Greetings and death to our enemies."; "And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor."; "He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be."; "Yes, this is Mango himself. Listen I'm terribly busy and don't have time for a phone interview right now."; "Every year, I have to spend another hour working out. Pretty soon I'll be spending eight hours working out just to fit in the costume. I have the feeling that the minute I stop doing the character, boom, Roseanne Barr."; "Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date."; "I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."; "I can't write about my greatest mistakes because I've slept with most of them."; "Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git."; "At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute."; "My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."; "Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you."; "Theatre sports is the best improv training period."; "I was teased horribly as a child and beaten up a lot."; "What drives the creative person is that we see it all."; "Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal."; "Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire."; "It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians."; "If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you."; "I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up."; "I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place."; "I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business."; "I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me."; "I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom."; "Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do."; "Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science."; "A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh."
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